Notes from a Funeral

Back a few weeks ago I wrote a post called La Danse Macabre about how I'm intrigued by funeral traditions. It was written from an academic observer's point of view, as one who takes some interest in the social norms and traditions that we exercise when remembering loved ones.

Unfortunately this week, I had the occasion to be one of the principal participants in the funeral of my grandfather, who had become a defacto "dad" for me after my own father died when I was thirteen years old. However, I didn't lose sight of my passing interest in funeral traditions. I was torn between the loss, and "living" the experience, as opposed to simply observing.

So, while I'm listening to a New Orleans jazz band play a very slow "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" in the background, I give you "Notes from a Funeral"...a collection of random thoughts and observations from the week. (Note: Please forgive any appearance of irreverance...I just see death and funerals in a completely different way than most people do.)

--------

Grandaddy had the wisdom, good sense, and good manners to plan his own funeral, even down to the scriptures and songs. I liked that, and I know my grandmother, my mom, and my aunt appreciated it. When my dad died, we went to the funeral home to make all the arrangements while still dazed and suffering the initial shock of what had happened just 12 to 14 hours earlier. This week all we had to do was carry the burial clothes to the funeral home, and arrange the specific times for the visitation and service.

--------

FOOD - good Lord at the food! I swear I put on 10 pounds in 3 days. One of grandaddy's army buddies picked at me, told me the blackberry cobbler was bad for my figure. I told him I'd been eating fairly responsibly for about 10 months now, and it was high time I kicked that nasty habit. And some folks in my family just plain weren't raised right. Who in the south doesn't eat banana pudding? And what in the world is wrong with pickled beets yall? I've eaten half of that quart jar, and I'm putting good money on them being completely gone by the end of the week! What makes "funeral food" so good anyway? And why does it take all day to cook normal food, but within an hour of your loved one taking their last breath, half of town has just made fresh home-made bread, pies, and more banana pudding? I even scored a banana and peanut-butter sandwich one night, but I missed an opportunity for cornbread and milk. Guess I'll have to get mama to teach me how to make cornbread.

--------

A friend recently said if you want to pack the church at your funeral, die young. He was right, to a degree. You can also pack it after living 80 years and touching the lives of many, many people of all ages. Carrollton Baptist Church was standing-room only, and for all I know there might have been a few people left standing outside.

--------

Twice in my life, once in February 1985 and this week, I have:

• Held my mother's head against my chest as she wailed in emotional pain
• Shaken hands and hugged many, many good friends who know my family well
• Sat in the second pew of Carrollton Baptist, before an flag-draped oak casket and heard the gospel song "Precious Memories" echo from the plaster walls of that church
• Gathered with family around a table with old pictures and laughing at old stories

--------

My boy of 12 years of age observed that he thought our home town of 12,000 people was a "small town" until he realized that in Carrollton, you literally know EVERYBODY, as it seemed nearly all of them came by the house in 2 or 3 days' time.

--------

The J. Z. George High School class of 1963 almost had a reunion at my grandparent's house this weekend.

--------

I don't like seeing people hurt. I'm a "fixer" and I couldn't "fix" the hurt this week. My first words to my mom when I got home were "I know how it feels." She cried "I know you do." The emptiness that's left when a parent dies is completely indescribable, and the only way to have any sense of understanding of it requires that you experience it first-hand. The few times that my emotions broke this weekend weren't due to the loss, but from seeing my mother in that kind of pain...and not being able to do anything about it.

--------

My boy, who for better or worse looks a whole lot like me, wondered at the funeral home how so many people that he didn't know, knew who he was without asking.

--------

I took my son out to the cemetery so we could pick the specific grave in our family plot for grandaddy. That was a new experience for him.

--------

Did I mention the food? There's chocolate pie and banana pudding in my fridge in Indianola, too!

--------

I enjoyed the look on my son's face when, along with an older employee of the funeral home, described the not-so-long-ago ritual of "sitting up with the dead." Then later I found out that my own family had done that very thing with my late great-grandfather Oscie O. Lee in 1970. My great-grandmother directed that he would be brought back to the house for the viewing, and some of the relatives sat up with him. Mama told me that my grandmother even mentioned in passing to do the same for Grandaddy. Mom put a quick stop to that!

--------

I've read in other parts of the country, local law enforcement doesn't do as much to support funeral processions as we do here in the South. Yes, it is inconvenient for other drivers to be held up at intersections. But do you know how cool it is to be in the family vehicle as deputies stand at attention in every intersection, purely out of respect for the deceased? Our county sheriff personally led our procession.

--------

Firefighters really know how to make a funeral. White-shirted volunteers on both sides of the sidewalk outside the church, two engines in the procession, and a fleet of engines lining the road at the cemetery. The Fireman's Prayer read at the graveside, an alarm bell striking out a final alarm call....

--------

"On behalf of a grateful nation, this flag is presented to you as a token of appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service..."

--------