Sorry, I'm running a little late getting Weeks 20 & 21 published, but this will be the shortest one so far.
Basically, you need to get a copy of The Love Dare. You need to walk through it in the 40 days, or on a weekly basis like I've been doing.
I can't explain Weeks 20 & 21 here. They're all about your own personal experience with God. You and Him.
What I can explain is this: You can't LOVE without Him. He IS love, and without Him, you do not know true love.
Get the book. Read it. Live it.
Showing posts with label Love Dare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Dare. Show all posts
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Love Dare - Weeks 18 & 19
Week 18 - Love Seeks to Understand
How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:13
How well do we really know our mate? Do we study them in the same way we study our work, or our hobbies? Do we immerse ourselves in them to know everything we can learn about them? People are ever-changing creatures, and as such we can never fully know them. Why, then, do we stop learning about our mate after a period of time? Do we think we've learned all there is to know about them?
Or do we revel in their company, in learning about their ever-evolving personalities, moods, opinions? What are their dreams? Their fears?
Do we actually ask those questions? Or do we just assume that we know? If we dare ask, do we fully listen to their answers, and ask God for discernment and understanding?
I've failed Therapist in this regard lately. Early on we talked about a lot of these things, but I've allowed myself to get to a point in our relationship that I absolutely did not want to be. What is that point? I call it "being comfortable"...I never wanted to be fully comfortable with our relationship. I always wanted to be able to learn something new about her. But I've gottenlazy comfortable in that regard.
I love the times we set our relationship to the side and talk openly about our separate lives. We spent some time this weekend talking about our financial hopes and dreams. More specifically, I explained to her what my short- and medium-range financial goals were. We're in a relationship, and it's important that she know what my aspirations are. It felt really good to share those things with her. Yes, it wasn't the most romantic thing to discuss on a weekend outing, but it opened a door to a new depth in our relationship, and I'm looking forward to finding more of those doors.
Week 19 - Love is Impossible
Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. ~ 1 John 4:7
This is almost the middle of the 40 week Love Dare study, and this week's lesson drives the nail home. A few weeks ago in Love is Unconditional, we talked about agape love. Agape is the love of choice, not of conditions (looks, actions, etc). It is a love that we choose to give.
But the truth of the matter is that in and of ourselves, we do not have the capacity to fully know or give agape love. It has one source: God, and God alone.
No matter how hard we try, the love we have inside us has failed to keep us from lying, lusting, getting angry, forgiving, etc. The love we have isn't sufficient. To love someone unconditionally is to know the love of God, and to use the love He gives us to love our mate.
This study isn't about getting our mate to love us more, nor is it to teach us how to love more. It's about coming to know more of the love of God and His love gift to us. Without it, we cannot love!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, it cherishes, it lets the other win, it always fights fair, it takes delight, it is honorable, it intercedes, it promotes intimacy, it seeks to understand, and it is impossible (without God). But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:13
How well do we really know our mate? Do we study them in the same way we study our work, or our hobbies? Do we immerse ourselves in them to know everything we can learn about them? People are ever-changing creatures, and as such we can never fully know them. Why, then, do we stop learning about our mate after a period of time? Do we think we've learned all there is to know about them?
Or do we revel in their company, in learning about their ever-evolving personalities, moods, opinions? What are their dreams? Their fears?
Do we actually ask those questions? Or do we just assume that we know? If we dare ask, do we fully listen to their answers, and ask God for discernment and understanding?
I've failed Therapist in this regard lately. Early on we talked about a lot of these things, but I've allowed myself to get to a point in our relationship that I absolutely did not want to be. What is that point? I call it "being comfortable"...I never wanted to be fully comfortable with our relationship. I always wanted to be able to learn something new about her. But I've gotten
I love the times we set our relationship to the side and talk openly about our separate lives. We spent some time this weekend talking about our financial hopes and dreams. More specifically, I explained to her what my short- and medium-range financial goals were. We're in a relationship, and it's important that she know what my aspirations are. It felt really good to share those things with her. Yes, it wasn't the most romantic thing to discuss on a weekend outing, but it opened a door to a new depth in our relationship, and I'm looking forward to finding more of those doors.
Week 19 - Love is Impossible
Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. ~ 1 John 4:7
This is almost the middle of the 40 week Love Dare study, and this week's lesson drives the nail home. A few weeks ago in Love is Unconditional, we talked about agape love. Agape is the love of choice, not of conditions (looks, actions, etc). It is a love that we choose to give.
But the truth of the matter is that in and of ourselves, we do not have the capacity to fully know or give agape love. It has one source: God, and God alone.
No matter how hard we try, the love we have inside us has failed to keep us from lying, lusting, getting angry, forgiving, etc. The love we have isn't sufficient. To love someone unconditionally is to know the love of God, and to use the love He gives us to love our mate.
This study isn't about getting our mate to love us more, nor is it to teach us how to love more. It's about coming to know more of the love of God and His love gift to us. Without it, we cannot love!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, it cherishes, it lets the other win, it always fights fair, it takes delight, it is honorable, it intercedes, it promotes intimacy, it seeks to understand, and it is impossible (without God). But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Love Dare - Weeks 16 & 17
Note: I know I'm lagging on my "weekly" postings. This will be the second time I've done two weeks in one. No excuses. Just how it is.
Week 16 - Love Intercedes
Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. ~ 1 John 2
Through the course of a relationship, time exposes things about each other that we may have kept hidden early on. Not necessarily "secrets", but just those little personality quirks and idiosyncrasies that we all have. The mother of one of my childhood friends once told me, wisely, that eventually even the most mundane things would begin to begin to unnerve you. Her exact words were "you'll even get tired of how they hold their fork when they eat!" I laughed it off, but have later come to see the wisdom in her lesson. We're all unique, perfectly created people. It was stated in an earlier Love Dare lesson that if we were all perfect copies, we wouldn't need relationships. But we're perfectly created by God's hands and in His eyes. Even our quirks were designed by Him and given to us. They make us who we are.
We can't change our mate. We can't re-make them into "our image" - what we want. They're created in God's image. If we try to make our mate change their ways, then we're basically saying that God's creation isn't good enough for us. How arrogant!!!
What can we do, though, when our mate's little personality quirks become big to us? Do we complain? Yes. Do we try to get them to change? Yes. Do we spend a large part of our time together trying to effect that change? You bet!
How much time do we spend, though, praying about these issues? I'd dare say very, very little. But why not? Do we not believe that God can make that change happen (if HE wants to?) Do we not believe that God can change our own hearts to become more accepting of our mate, just as they are?
Week 17 - Love Promotes Intimacy
He who covers over an offense promotes love; but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. ~ Proverbs 17:9
I've got a handful of friends - extremely close friends - that I grew up with. We know things about each other that we'll take to our graves. Not that they're huge, dark secrets; they're just the knowledge of many of the juvenile things we did that we never owned up to. Truth be known, our parents probably "knew" but were wise enough to let it slide. Knowing my dad, he'd probably engaged in similar things too. I'm learning that lesson all over again with my own son, and I'll admit it's quite fun. As close as those friendships are, they're not the same as the relationship I have with Therapist. She and I have an amazing friendship, but it needs to - and should be - more than just a close friendship.
The same thing that blesses a relationship - deep personal knowledge of each other - is the same thing that can curse a relationship. Actually, it's not the knowledge, openness, and transparency. The danger lies in how we - as individuals - handle those things. Are we scared for someone to know our secrets? Or are we safe? That all depends on how our mate handles those things.
Just as in the previous lesson about our personal quirks, do we make our mate feel safe and secure when they're in our presence? Or do they feel like they have to walk on eggshells? Are we doing things to "keep the peace" because of fear of ridicule or scorn? "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" ~ 1 John 14:8
It is completely up to us - as individuals in the relationship - to create an atmosphere of safety, comfort, and acceptance. We won't make our mate change through shame, ridicule, scolding, and negativity. That promises we'll drive them away.
I'm happy that I've got a friend in Therapist that understands how these things work; how they can make or break a relationship. She truly wants our relationship to work. We've both been in relationships that failed. We do not want to repeat history!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, it cherishes, it lets the other win, it always fights fair, it takes delight, it is honorable, it intercedes, and it promotes intimacy. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Week 16 - Love Intercedes
Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. ~ 1 John 2
Through the course of a relationship, time exposes things about each other that we may have kept hidden early on. Not necessarily "secrets", but just those little personality quirks and idiosyncrasies that we all have. The mother of one of my childhood friends once told me, wisely, that eventually even the most mundane things would begin to begin to unnerve you. Her exact words were "you'll even get tired of how they hold their fork when they eat!" I laughed it off, but have later come to see the wisdom in her lesson. We're all unique, perfectly created people. It was stated in an earlier Love Dare lesson that if we were all perfect copies, we wouldn't need relationships. But we're perfectly created by God's hands and in His eyes. Even our quirks were designed by Him and given to us. They make us who we are.
We can't change our mate. We can't re-make them into "our image" - what we want. They're created in God's image. If we try to make our mate change their ways, then we're basically saying that God's creation isn't good enough for us. How arrogant!!!
What can we do, though, when our mate's little personality quirks become big to us? Do we complain? Yes. Do we try to get them to change? Yes. Do we spend a large part of our time together trying to effect that change? You bet!
How much time do we spend, though, praying about these issues? I'd dare say very, very little. But why not? Do we not believe that God can make that change happen (if HE wants to?) Do we not believe that God can change our own hearts to become more accepting of our mate, just as they are?
Week 17 - Love Promotes Intimacy
He who covers over an offense promotes love; but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. ~ Proverbs 17:9
I've got a handful of friends - extremely close friends - that I grew up with. We know things about each other that we'll take to our graves. Not that they're huge, dark secrets; they're just the knowledge of many of the juvenile things we did that we never owned up to. Truth be known, our parents probably "knew" but were wise enough to let it slide. Knowing my dad, he'd probably engaged in similar things too. I'm learning that lesson all over again with my own son, and I'll admit it's quite fun. As close as those friendships are, they're not the same as the relationship I have with Therapist. She and I have an amazing friendship, but it needs to - and should be - more than just a close friendship.
The same thing that blesses a relationship - deep personal knowledge of each other - is the same thing that can curse a relationship. Actually, it's not the knowledge, openness, and transparency. The danger lies in how we - as individuals - handle those things. Are we scared for someone to know our secrets? Or are we safe? That all depends on how our mate handles those things.
Just as in the previous lesson about our personal quirks, do we make our mate feel safe and secure when they're in our presence? Or do they feel like they have to walk on eggshells? Are we doing things to "keep the peace" because of fear of ridicule or scorn? "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" ~ 1 John 14:8
It is completely up to us - as individuals in the relationship - to create an atmosphere of safety, comfort, and acceptance. We won't make our mate change through shame, ridicule, scolding, and negativity. That promises we'll drive them away.
I'm happy that I've got a friend in Therapist that understands how these things work; how they can make or break a relationship. She truly wants our relationship to work. We've both been in relationships that failed. We do not want to repeat history!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, it cherishes, it lets the other win, it always fights fair, it takes delight, it is honorable, it intercedes, and it promotes intimacy. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Love Dare - Weeks 14 & 15
(Note: I just plain skipped a week. We got back from vacation last Sunday, and there just wasn't enough time in the day to read up on the week. Forgive me.)
Week 14 - Love takes Delight
Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life ~ Ecclesiastes 9:9
One thing I've picked up through this study is that your heart has to be led, not followed. Feelings and emotions swing through phases. If we simply followed those feelings, we'd never settle down. But by leading our heart, by consciously deciding to love without depending on emotional swings, we learn to find delight in our relationship.
Enjoy your time with each other. Accept them completely; love their quirks. Therapist and I are full of quirks, but we look past them (thankfully!). We enjoy doing things together, for no particular reason. Even if it's just going to the store, we enjoy the time. Not because we "feel like it"...but because we decide to.
Week 15 - Love is Honorable
Live with your wives in an understanding way...and show her honor as a follow heir of the grace of life ~ 1 Peter 3:7
One thing I've had to teach myself in this new relationship with Therapist is to set aside my distractions (TV, computer, whatever) and focus on her. Certainly, there are times that I want to do my own thing, or times that I need to do my own things around my house. I think she understands that. And likewise, there are times she needs to herself. Without those times to be ourselves, we'd slowly lose touch with what made us fall in love with each other.
This isn't a forum for me to list out what little things I like doing for her. Some are surprises, some are simple, common things. But they're all things that I enjoy doing to make her feel special and important. Because she is. As in the previous week's lesson, it would be easy for me to just follow my heart and do the things I want anytime I want. But my heart has to be led. And I like where it leads.
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, it cherishes, it lets the other win, it always fights fair, it takes delight, and it is honorable. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Week 14 - Love takes Delight
Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life ~ Ecclesiastes 9:9
One thing I've picked up through this study is that your heart has to be led, not followed. Feelings and emotions swing through phases. If we simply followed those feelings, we'd never settle down. But by leading our heart, by consciously deciding to love without depending on emotional swings, we learn to find delight in our relationship.
Enjoy your time with each other. Accept them completely; love their quirks. Therapist and I are full of quirks, but we look past them (thankfully!). We enjoy doing things together, for no particular reason. Even if it's just going to the store, we enjoy the time. Not because we "feel like it"...but because we decide to.
Week 15 - Love is Honorable
Live with your wives in an understanding way...and show her honor as a follow heir of the grace of life ~ 1 Peter 3:7
One thing I've had to teach myself in this new relationship with Therapist is to set aside my distractions (TV, computer, whatever) and focus on her. Certainly, there are times that I want to do my own thing, or times that I need to do my own things around my house. I think she understands that. And likewise, there are times she needs to herself. Without those times to be ourselves, we'd slowly lose touch with what made us fall in love with each other.
This isn't a forum for me to list out what little things I like doing for her. Some are surprises, some are simple, common things. But they're all things that I enjoy doing to make her feel special and important. Because she is. As in the previous week's lesson, it would be easy for me to just follow my heart and do the things I want anytime I want. But my heart has to be led. And I like where it leads.
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, it cherishes, it lets the other win, it always fights fair, it takes delight, and it is honorable. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Love Dare - Weeks 12 & 13
Note: I missed last week, for any number of reasons. For those who are interested (and you know who you are), Therapist and I have had a couple of bad weeks. We simply got off-track. Through a cascading series of follies, we mis-interpreted several things each other had said. What was said, and what was heard were two different things, and that is where we messed up. Things are back on track now, and we're plugging right along like we never missed a beat. When I picked up the Love Dare book tonight to read last week and this week, I was astounded. Read on....
Week 12 - Love Lets the Other Win
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others ~ Phillipians 2:4
Being hard-headed (yeah, I admit it!) is sometimes a good thing. It's helpful to know in advance how you want things to be, how you want them to work out, what your vision is. Being hard-headed and sticking to a plan helps you achieve goals. But there are plenty of times when being hard-headed is just plain bad and unhealthy. Like in a relationship. It's our nature to be somewhat selfish, to want to protect our ideas, our dreams and desires. But when we dig our heels in, and when our partner digs their heels in, we set in motion a dynamic that ultimately ruins relationships. But what is more important? Our point of view? Or the relationship itself? Does giving in during a fight make you look foolish for losing the argument? Or have we already lost the argument by making it more important than the health of our relationship? I love this quote from the book: "You're not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary." Our differences are for listening to and learning from. Cool stuff!
Week 13 - Love Fights Fair
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. ~ Mark 3:25
Wouldn't you know that right after being taught how to concede your position sometimes, we're given the "rules of engagement" on how to fight fair in a relationship? I love this book for a reason, and this is it (and others like it too!). One thing Therapist and I talked about this weekend was how we need to permanently understand and accept that from time to time things will come up in our relationship where we'll have opposing opinions. To me, it's more important to know how we'll resolve those times, more so than what specific thing we're differing on. Basically, let's decide how we'll approach and solve problems. Then tonight, when I read this week's lesson about "Love Fights Fair", lo and behold the rules are printed right there on the pages! In the midst of conflict lies the greatest potential to inflict lasting damage on a relationship. Our pride is at it's strongest. Our anger is at it's hottest, and that's when we're the most selfish, most judgemental, and most venomous with our words. As mentioned in the earlier paragraph - what is more important? The argument and who wins or loses, or the relationship itself? So how do we get there? We set those "rules of engagement." They are divided into "we boundaries" and "me boundaries".
The "we boundaries" include 1) We will never mention divorce. 2) We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. 3) We will never fight in public or in front of children. 4) We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level. 5) We will never touch each other in a harmful way. 6) We will never go to bed angry with one another. 7) Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work it out.
The "me boundaries" are 1) I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, and slow to speak and slow to anger." ~ James 1:19. 2) I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" ~ Matthew 7:3. 3) I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." ~ Proverbs 15:1
Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, and it cherishes, it lets the other win, and it always fights fair. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Week 12 - Love Lets the Other Win
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others ~ Phillipians 2:4
Being hard-headed (yeah, I admit it!) is sometimes a good thing. It's helpful to know in advance how you want things to be, how you want them to work out, what your vision is. Being hard-headed and sticking to a plan helps you achieve goals. But there are plenty of times when being hard-headed is just plain bad and unhealthy. Like in a relationship. It's our nature to be somewhat selfish, to want to protect our ideas, our dreams and desires. But when we dig our heels in, and when our partner digs their heels in, we set in motion a dynamic that ultimately ruins relationships. But what is more important? Our point of view? Or the relationship itself? Does giving in during a fight make you look foolish for losing the argument? Or have we already lost the argument by making it more important than the health of our relationship? I love this quote from the book: "You're not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary." Our differences are for listening to and learning from. Cool stuff!
Week 13 - Love Fights Fair
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. ~ Mark 3:25
Wouldn't you know that right after being taught how to concede your position sometimes, we're given the "rules of engagement" on how to fight fair in a relationship? I love this book for a reason, and this is it (and others like it too!). One thing Therapist and I talked about this weekend was how we need to permanently understand and accept that from time to time things will come up in our relationship where we'll have opposing opinions. To me, it's more important to know how we'll resolve those times, more so than what specific thing we're differing on. Basically, let's decide how we'll approach and solve problems. Then tonight, when I read this week's lesson about "Love Fights Fair", lo and behold the rules are printed right there on the pages! In the midst of conflict lies the greatest potential to inflict lasting damage on a relationship. Our pride is at it's strongest. Our anger is at it's hottest, and that's when we're the most selfish, most judgemental, and most venomous with our words. As mentioned in the earlier paragraph - what is more important? The argument and who wins or loses, or the relationship itself? So how do we get there? We set those "rules of engagement." They are divided into "we boundaries" and "me boundaries".
The "we boundaries" include 1) We will never mention divorce. 2) We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. 3) We will never fight in public or in front of children. 4) We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level. 5) We will never touch each other in a harmful way. 6) We will never go to bed angry with one another. 7) Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work it out.
The "me boundaries" are 1) I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, and slow to speak and slow to anger." ~ James 1:19. 2) I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" ~ Matthew 7:3. 3) I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." ~ Proverbs 15:1
Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, and it cherishes, it lets the other win, and it always fights fair. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Week 11 - Love Cherishes (along with some extra ramblings)
This week's installment on The Love Dare study almost didn't get done today. When I sat down to read and write, the "feeling" just wasn't there. Gone. Just plain gone.
But then I read the title for the week...."Love Cherishes." We'll get to that later. But first, its worth noting that I'm not too terribly happy with myself right now. I don't like the fact that my "soft" emotions are packed away very deep, and very tightly. Our word emotion comes from the French "emouvoir", which itself is from the Latin emovere, or literally "out move". Our word motivation also comes from the Latin root movere. Interesting isn't it...that emotion and motivation both come from the same root word?
For whatever reason, I've conditioned myself to keep those "soft" emotions stored away safely, in a place rarely seen by me...much less anyone else. "Soft" emotions are those that bring tears to my eyes, either through a loss, through pain, grief, disappointment or despair. They've been replaced by varying degrees of anger at myself, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, and guilt. I don't know why...that's just how it is.
So in a funk of dealing with those alternative emotions, I looked over on my desk at The Love Dare book. Knowing full well that it was time for my weekly study and installment here, I just wasn't in the mood. The longer I looked at it sitting there, I said "what the heck" and picked it up just to see what this week's title was. "Love Cherishes" the page screamed at me. Love Cherishes. Cherish - to hold or treat as dear, to feel love for; to care for tenderly, to nourish; to cling fondly to.
Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies ~ Ephesians 5:28
Cutting to the chase, we wouldn't be willing to simply cut off our hand if we broke it. We would gently nurse it back into shape, first with a cast, followed by strength training and careful attention. So it should be in our relationship. Just because something comes up - like disappointment - we don't need to throw it all away. If we truly cherish - hold as dear - that relationship, we'll nurse it back to health. To me, though, it's more important to recognize that disappointments WILL come up. Expect them. We don't date or marry perfect people. How we deal with those disappointments is what matters.
Through trials, I've learned that a successful relationship depends on open, frank, honest communication. No secrets, no measured words, no thoughts withheld. Those are the weeds in the flower bed. They'll grow quickly unless we're vigilant to keep them out.
Where is this going? My insecurities - those about myself - are coming between me and Therapist. She's been so good to me, and we have enjoyed a wonderful relationship so far. But today my insecurities led to a disappointment. And now I'm sitting here writing and reading my own words while I have an internal struggle with my insecurities. The bad thing about insecurity, is it leads to more insecurity. And I've been too insecure about my own insecurities to open them up to Therapist and our relationship. Did that make sense?
This walk though The Love Dare hasn't just been about learning how to love. I've got to learn to be loved, too. And today's lesson jumped off the pages and said "you've got to appreciate being cherished!"Maybe I do. I know I do.
I don't know what she sees in me. I doubt I ever will. But I do know she loves me in a way that I haven't felt in a long, long time. She's a friend, a good, true, close friend. I want to keep her around, and I plan to.
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, and it cherishes. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED.
But then I read the title for the week...."Love Cherishes." We'll get to that later. But first, its worth noting that I'm not too terribly happy with myself right now. I don't like the fact that my "soft" emotions are packed away very deep, and very tightly. Our word emotion comes from the French "emouvoir", which itself is from the Latin emovere, or literally "out move". Our word motivation also comes from the Latin root movere. Interesting isn't it...that emotion and motivation both come from the same root word?
For whatever reason, I've conditioned myself to keep those "soft" emotions stored away safely, in a place rarely seen by me...much less anyone else. "Soft" emotions are those that bring tears to my eyes, either through a loss, through pain, grief, disappointment or despair. They've been replaced by varying degrees of anger at myself, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, and guilt. I don't know why...that's just how it is.
So in a funk of dealing with those alternative emotions, I looked over on my desk at The Love Dare book. Knowing full well that it was time for my weekly study and installment here, I just wasn't in the mood. The longer I looked at it sitting there, I said "what the heck" and picked it up just to see what this week's title was. "Love Cherishes" the page screamed at me. Love Cherishes. Cherish - to hold or treat as dear, to feel love for; to care for tenderly, to nourish; to cling fondly to.
Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies ~ Ephesians 5:28
Cutting to the chase, we wouldn't be willing to simply cut off our hand if we broke it. We would gently nurse it back into shape, first with a cast, followed by strength training and careful attention. So it should be in our relationship. Just because something comes up - like disappointment - we don't need to throw it all away. If we truly cherish - hold as dear - that relationship, we'll nurse it back to health. To me, though, it's more important to recognize that disappointments WILL come up. Expect them. We don't date or marry perfect people. How we deal with those disappointments is what matters.
Through trials, I've learned that a successful relationship depends on open, frank, honest communication. No secrets, no measured words, no thoughts withheld. Those are the weeds in the flower bed. They'll grow quickly unless we're vigilant to keep them out.
Where is this going? My insecurities - those about myself - are coming between me and Therapist. She's been so good to me, and we have enjoyed a wonderful relationship so far. But today my insecurities led to a disappointment. And now I'm sitting here writing and reading my own words while I have an internal struggle with my insecurities. The bad thing about insecurity, is it leads to more insecurity. And I've been too insecure about my own insecurities to open them up to Therapist and our relationship. Did that make sense?
This walk though The Love Dare hasn't just been about learning how to love. I've got to learn to be loved, too. And today's lesson jumped off the pages and said "you've got to appreciate being cherished!"
I don't know what she sees in me. I doubt I ever will. But I do know she loves me in a way that I haven't felt in a long, long time. She's a friend, a good, true, close friend. I want to keep her around, and I plan to.
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, and it cherishes. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Week 10 - Love is Unconditional
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. ~ Romans 5:8
Unconditional - without conditions or limitations; it is absolute.
Agape love is the kind of love for another that is complete, absolute, and without condition. It is a love of choice, not a love borne of anything the other person has done for us, not how they look, not how they act. It is the most pure form of love.
As emotional, thinking, and rational humans, we're naturally wired to take care of ourselves first. And that selfishness - no matter how big or small - causes us to unconsciously set conditions on friendships and relationships. "He's my friend because he does..." or "She hurt my feelings the other day, and that makes me wonder how good of a friend she really is."
We're called to a higher form of love, the same kind of love that Christ demonstrated for us: Agape - an absolute and complete form of love that is unconditional. Any of us, left on our own to justify to Christ why he should have died for us, would fall woefully short. We've done nothing to deserve his love and sacrifice.
Do we love that way in our relationships? Do we simply choose to love our partners, only because we want to, and we can? Do we choose to love them based on what they do for us, or how they look, or how good of a cook they are... Is our "love" based on things that may change or fade with time? Or are we loving them simply because of who they are? Do we quietly expect our partner to change themselves to suit our own desires? Or do we accept them just as they are?
When I was doing my research to write this posting, I searched for a good definition of Agape love. Agape - a three-syllable word pronounced uh-GOP-ay. The English language also has another meaning for the same sequence of letters: agape - two syllables pronounced ah-GAP with a long "a" in the second syllable.
Agape (uh-GOP-ay) means the love of God and Christ for humankind. Agape (ah-GAP) means to be with mouth wide open in wonder, surprise, and eagerness.
Shouldn't Agape love leave us agape?
What is love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, it believes the best, it is not jealous, it makes good impressions, and it is unconditional. But above all, it is FUN!
Unconditional - without conditions or limitations; it is absolute.
Agape love is the kind of love for another that is complete, absolute, and without condition. It is a love of choice, not a love borne of anything the other person has done for us, not how they look, not how they act. It is the most pure form of love.
As emotional, thinking, and rational humans, we're naturally wired to take care of ourselves first. And that selfishness - no matter how big or small - causes us to unconsciously set conditions on friendships and relationships. "He's my friend because he does..." or "She hurt my feelings the other day, and that makes me wonder how good of a friend she really is."
We're called to a higher form of love, the same kind of love that Christ demonstrated for us: Agape - an absolute and complete form of love that is unconditional. Any of us, left on our own to justify to Christ why he should have died for us, would fall woefully short. We've done nothing to deserve his love and sacrifice.
Do we love that way in our relationships? Do we simply choose to love our partners, only because we want to, and we can? Do we choose to love them based on what they do for us, or how they look, or how good of a cook they are... Is our "love" based on things that may change or fade with time? Or are we loving them simply because of who they are? Do we quietly expect our partner to change themselves to suit our own desires? Or do we accept them just as they are?
When I was doing my research to write this posting, I searched for a good definition of Agape love. Agape - a three-syllable word pronounced uh-GOP-ay. The English language also has another meaning for the same sequence of letters: agape - two syllables pronounced ah-GAP with a long "a" in the second syllable.
Agape (uh-GOP-ay) means the love of God and Christ for humankind. Agape (ah-GAP) means to be with mouth wide open in wonder, surprise, and eagerness.
Shouldn't Agape love leave us agape?
What is love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, it believes the best, it is not jealous, it makes good impressions, and it is unconditional. But above all, it is FUN!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Week 9 - Love makes Good Impressions
Greet one another with a kiss of love. ~ 1 Peter 5:14
This week's study talks about how easy it is to determine how well a couple is doing by how they greet each other. Basically, how we greet each other (anyone) tells a lot about how much we love or respect that person, our mood at the time, and a whole lot of other things. We give away subtle clues.
It's easy to let our guard down, to relax on our politeness, with someone we see every day. But why? This is the person we love the most...they deserve the best from us. Yes, they're our best friend, and know us inside out. They know when we're angry, moody, depressed....all those things that would cause us to be less than cordial when seeing them. But that person is the one that can make us smile the quickest, and we should be open to that.
I get very moody sometimes, and can get withdrawn when I am. Therapist knows this. I'm learning to not draw her outside my "withdrawn lines" when I do...she wants to be in my world no matter what the mood. And she does it with a simple greeting..."Hi" (except it's drawn out, Southern-style). Depending on the tone, it's either a nice greeting, or an understanding welcome. But regardless, she's always glad to see me. And I like that. A lot.
These postings aren't written to sing her praises, though she deserves them. They're my thoughts on a self-study. How do I greet her? Do I cast off the cares and concerns of the day to give her my full attention? Or do I barely speak on those "down days"?
I know those answers, and I have to be better. She deserves so much more than I can give on my own, but I want to try.
On a side note, Therapist and I spent a huge amount of time this week talking about where we've been, where we want to be, our hopes, plans, dreams. We covered a lot of ground in both the practical, and the theoretical. We're moving forward, one measured step at a time. I cannot say enough about her.
What is Love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, it believes the best, it is not jealous, and it makes good impressions. Plus, it is a whole lot of FUN!
This week's study talks about how easy it is to determine how well a couple is doing by how they greet each other. Basically, how we greet each other (anyone) tells a lot about how much we love or respect that person, our mood at the time, and a whole lot of other things. We give away subtle clues.
It's easy to let our guard down, to relax on our politeness, with someone we see every day. But why? This is the person we love the most...they deserve the best from us. Yes, they're our best friend, and know us inside out. They know when we're angry, moody, depressed....all those things that would cause us to be less than cordial when seeing them. But that person is the one that can make us smile the quickest, and we should be open to that.
I get very moody sometimes, and can get withdrawn when I am. Therapist knows this. I'm learning to not draw her outside my "withdrawn lines" when I do...she wants to be in my world no matter what the mood. And she does it with a simple greeting..."Hi" (except it's drawn out, Southern-style). Depending on the tone, it's either a nice greeting, or an understanding welcome. But regardless, she's always glad to see me. And I like that. A lot.
These postings aren't written to sing her praises, though she deserves them. They're my thoughts on a self-study. How do I greet her? Do I cast off the cares and concerns of the day to give her my full attention? Or do I barely speak on those "down days"?
I know those answers, and I have to be better. She deserves so much more than I can give on my own, but I want to try.
On a side note, Therapist and I spent a huge amount of time this week talking about where we've been, where we want to be, our hopes, plans, dreams. We covered a lot of ground in both the practical, and the theoretical. We're moving forward, one measured step at a time. I cannot say enough about her.
What is Love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, it believes the best, it is not jealous, and it makes good impressions. Plus, it is a whole lot of FUN!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Week 8 - Love is not Jealous
Love is as strong as death, its jealously unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. ~ Song of Solomon 8:6
Jealously comes in two forms - legitimate and illegitimate. Legitimate jealousy occurs when something that is rightfully yours is taken or stolen from you. You're rightfully, and legitimately jealous because you have a right to have it returned to you.
Illegitimate jealously, on the other hand, happens when someone excels, gains, or improves themselves over you or your station in life, and you feel resentment. You think "he's no better than me", or "what did she do to deserve that?"
Illegitimate jealousy wrecks relationships. In a relationship, we're to be the other's cheerleader, and celebrate in their successes. Whether it's a job promotion, a raise, or having more friends...we should celebrate that, and not throw a pity-party for ourselves.
Preventing jealously is about having your love-priorities straight. When we love someone, we will naturally be happy for them no matter what.
One hurdle Therapist and I had to cross, early on, was the fact that I have a large number of friends scattered all over the state. A good number of them are women, and several of those have been through some very traumatic experiences with me. Shared trauma forges strong friendships, stronger than your average friendships. While I don't think Therapist was necessarily "jealous" that I have those close friendships (and guard them closely), she seemed unsure how they could be so strong and deep. I want her to meet every one, and get to know them. I want to share my friends with her, and I want to know hers as well. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to get across here... But I believe that a sure-fire cure for illegitimate jealously is to be so involved in each other's lives, that jealously doesn't have a foothold to cling to.
Therapist is far more educated, and far more successful than me. And that is perfectly fine with me. I don't feel any need to "compete" and catch up with her. We're perfectly happy with our stations in life. And that is another bar to jealously - being content with yourself first. If I'm happy with who I am, and where I am in life, then I shouldn't have anything to be jealous about, should I?
This marks the 8th week, two months of walking through The Love Dare. One theme I've picked up through each week is that trials in relationships begin when we assume, or jump to conclusions, about what is going on (or not going on) with each other. In other words, one might formulate an ill-informed opinion about some aspect of their partner's life, or the life of the relationship, and that gives rise to the feelings of either guilt, jealousy, anger, resentment, etc....
I'm so thankful that Therapist and I can talk. We constantly re-evaluate our standing with each other. We don't let questions go un-asked. We're usually pretty quick to apologize. If there's something we're not sure about, we clear things up. We DO NOT want to give any room to those little relationship infections that can grow quietly and become major problems.
This became another ramble. But there's just no way I can put into words the entirety of how well Therapist and I get along and bond. She's a breath of fresh air for me. She either allows me to be who I want to be, or she validates who I am. Either way, I'm planning to keep her around for as long as I can!
What is Love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, it believes the best, and it is not jealous. Plus, it is FUN!
ps: Last week I wrote how Therapist and I were standing on two sides of an issue. We both had strong, and equally valid points of view. There was no animosity, no arguing, no fighting. At the time I wrote that, we simply hadn't found a middle ground. The day after I wrote that, she shocked me, in a good way, but in a way that I'm still not sure that I fully comprehend. She took a huge leap of faith, one that she didn't have to take, and one that is absolutely Biblical. I won't get into the details here, but I'm still in awe. I knew I adored that woman for a reason!
Jealously comes in two forms - legitimate and illegitimate. Legitimate jealousy occurs when something that is rightfully yours is taken or stolen from you. You're rightfully, and legitimately jealous because you have a right to have it returned to you.
Illegitimate jealously, on the other hand, happens when someone excels, gains, or improves themselves over you or your station in life, and you feel resentment. You think "he's no better than me", or "what did she do to deserve that?"
Illegitimate jealousy wrecks relationships. In a relationship, we're to be the other's cheerleader, and celebrate in their successes. Whether it's a job promotion, a raise, or having more friends...we should celebrate that, and not throw a pity-party for ourselves.
Preventing jealously is about having your love-priorities straight. When we love someone, we will naturally be happy for them no matter what.
One hurdle Therapist and I had to cross, early on, was the fact that I have a large number of friends scattered all over the state. A good number of them are women, and several of those have been through some very traumatic experiences with me. Shared trauma forges strong friendships, stronger than your average friendships. While I don't think Therapist was necessarily "jealous" that I have those close friendships (and guard them closely), she seemed unsure how they could be so strong and deep. I want her to meet every one, and get to know them. I want to share my friends with her, and I want to know hers as well. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to get across here... But I believe that a sure-fire cure for illegitimate jealously is to be so involved in each other's lives, that jealously doesn't have a foothold to cling to.
Therapist is far more educated, and far more successful than me. And that is perfectly fine with me. I don't feel any need to "compete" and catch up with her. We're perfectly happy with our stations in life. And that is another bar to jealously - being content with yourself first. If I'm happy with who I am, and where I am in life, then I shouldn't have anything to be jealous about, should I?
This marks the 8th week, two months of walking through The Love Dare. One theme I've picked up through each week is that trials in relationships begin when we assume, or jump to conclusions, about what is going on (or not going on) with each other. In other words, one might formulate an ill-informed opinion about some aspect of their partner's life, or the life of the relationship, and that gives rise to the feelings of either guilt, jealousy, anger, resentment, etc....
I'm so thankful that Therapist and I can talk. We constantly re-evaluate our standing with each other. We don't let questions go un-asked. We're usually pretty quick to apologize. If there's something we're not sure about, we clear things up. We DO NOT want to give any room to those little relationship infections that can grow quietly and become major problems.
This became another ramble. But there's just no way I can put into words the entirety of how well Therapist and I get along and bond. She's a breath of fresh air for me. She either allows me to be who I want to be, or she validates who I am. Either way, I'm planning to keep her around for as long as I can!
What is Love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, it believes the best, and it is not jealous. Plus, it is FUN!
ps: Last week I wrote how Therapist and I were standing on two sides of an issue. We both had strong, and equally valid points of view. There was no animosity, no arguing, no fighting. At the time I wrote that, we simply hadn't found a middle ground. The day after I wrote that, she shocked me, in a good way, but in a way that I'm still not sure that I fully comprehend. She took a huge leap of faith, one that she didn't have to take, and one that is absolutely Biblical. I won't get into the details here, but I'm still in awe. I knew I adored that woman for a reason!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Week 7 - Love Believes the Best
[Love] believes all things, hopes all things. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7
Please pardon me if I borrow a lot of text from this week's Love Dare lesson, as there's really no other way for me to capture it like they did...
Early in a relationship, it is easy for us to identify all the positive things about our girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband. We mentally categorize and file away all these little notes about nice things they did for us, pleasant little surprises they gave, kind words, actions, etc. These are the things that make us smile when we think about them. The Love Dare called this our "Appreciation" file or room.
But as relationships grow, we start to see more of the little things that we don't like. Just like the positive things, we file all these away. Instances like a fight, disagreement, argument, or when our feelings got hurt, or when expectations weren't met...we tuck them away in the "Depreciation" file.
Over time, this Depreciation file can grow. We know the Appreciation file exists, but we find it more soothing to visit the Depreciation file, if for no other reason than to put ourselves on a higher pedestal - "at least I don't do those things"
The fact is that everyone fails - you and me. We can't fully ignore the Depreciation file, because we know it exists. But we can chose to not dwell in it. Depreciation of another breeds contempt in our hearts. Which file would we rather read??
I'm fully aware that my relationship with Therapist is still "new" in many ways. My "Appreciation File" for her is huge. But I would be remiss if I didn't recognize there are a few items in the "Depreciation file" too. And likewise, I'm sure I've got more than a few entries in her "Depreciation File" under my name. Way more than a few.
But what I do know, is that we don't go looking in those files. We understand that little things will come along, our feelings will be hurt, our expectations won't be met. We're willing, though, to look beyond those temporary (and selfish, when you really get down to it) setbacks. We've committed ourselves to not letting those things get between us.
For example, just this weekend we took two sides of an issue. We both fully understood each others' point of view, and we respected that. But we simply couldn't agree on how or where to find resolution. There was no anger, no malice, just an honest disagreement on a point. Have we resolved it? Not yet. But we're not letting it get between us. It's just sitting over to the side in a holding file, allowing us time to reflect and contemplate. What we didn't do was run to our Depreciation Files and pull out the knives and have a fight. We looked to the Appreciation File, and were reminded of those good qualities that we love about each other (two of which are good communications, and a commitment to understanding) and decided to approach this problem calmly. In the meantime, we've enjoyed a wonderful weekend together. Dinner out, movies, church, sno-cones on a Sunday afternoon.
Why? We know that the Appreciation File contains much more important information than the Depreciation File does.
This week's Love Dare is to write down all the positive things, and all the negative things, that we see in our partner. I'll have to think on it for a while, but it will be done. If Therapist is reading this, I wonder if she'll be willing to do the same. We're not to do anything with the lists yet, that will come in a few weeks.
What is Love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, and it believes the best! And above all, it is FUN!
Please pardon me if I borrow a lot of text from this week's Love Dare lesson, as there's really no other way for me to capture it like they did...
Early in a relationship, it is easy for us to identify all the positive things about our girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband. We mentally categorize and file away all these little notes about nice things they did for us, pleasant little surprises they gave, kind words, actions, etc. These are the things that make us smile when we think about them. The Love Dare called this our "Appreciation" file or room.
But as relationships grow, we start to see more of the little things that we don't like. Just like the positive things, we file all these away. Instances like a fight, disagreement, argument, or when our feelings got hurt, or when expectations weren't met...we tuck them away in the "Depreciation" file.
Over time, this Depreciation file can grow. We know the Appreciation file exists, but we find it more soothing to visit the Depreciation file, if for no other reason than to put ourselves on a higher pedestal - "at least I don't do those things"
The fact is that everyone fails - you and me. We can't fully ignore the Depreciation file, because we know it exists. But we can chose to not dwell in it. Depreciation of another breeds contempt in our hearts. Which file would we rather read??
I'm fully aware that my relationship with Therapist is still "new" in many ways. My "Appreciation File" for her is huge. But I would be remiss if I didn't recognize there are a few items in the "Depreciation file" too. And likewise, I'm sure I've got more than a few entries in her "Depreciation File" under my name. Way more than a few.
But what I do know, is that we don't go looking in those files. We understand that little things will come along, our feelings will be hurt, our expectations won't be met. We're willing, though, to look beyond those temporary (and selfish, when you really get down to it) setbacks. We've committed ourselves to not letting those things get between us.
For example, just this weekend we took two sides of an issue. We both fully understood each others' point of view, and we respected that. But we simply couldn't agree on how or where to find resolution. There was no anger, no malice, just an honest disagreement on a point. Have we resolved it? Not yet. But we're not letting it get between us. It's just sitting over to the side in a holding file, allowing us time to reflect and contemplate. What we didn't do was run to our Depreciation Files and pull out the knives and have a fight. We looked to the Appreciation File, and were reminded of those good qualities that we love about each other (two of which are good communications, and a commitment to understanding) and decided to approach this problem calmly. In the meantime, we've enjoyed a wonderful weekend together. Dinner out, movies, church, sno-cones on a Sunday afternoon.
Why? We know that the Appreciation File contains much more important information than the Depreciation File does.
This week's Love Dare is to write down all the positive things, and all the negative things, that we see in our partner. I'll have to think on it for a while, but it will be done. If Therapist is reading this, I wonder if she'll be willing to do the same. We're not to do anything with the lists yet, that will come in a few weeks.
What is Love? It is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, it is not rude, it is not irritable, and it believes the best! And above all, it is FUN!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Week 6 - Love is not Irritable
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. ~ Proverbs 16:32
Love is not irritable. But people are. Being irritable is something I have a problem with from time to time. Different things push different buttons, and I'd like to think those buttons are few. Going back a few weeks to love being patient, being not irritable is a natural extension of the patience idea. It's taking a deep breath when the buttons are pushed, instead of ventilating the energy.
Stress, through work, home life, social forces, or any other influence can make one irritable. Poor general health can do it too. So, if we can identify the causes, can't we also identify ways to reduce their effects? Just asking...
There's a little two-letter word in our language that allows us to mitigate our stressors. That word is "NO". Not an ugly "no", but a simple "no" to the many things that pull us like Stretch Armstrong. Delegate tasks, decline new projects that cause others to be left unfinished, take time away from work, do whatever it takes. But most importantly, take time away from those things WITH that person you love. But make sure they're saying "no" to those same things too. It just doesn't work with one person doing it. One thing I'm learning with Therapist is that we will address our stressors together. I'm also learning to understand that she doesn't mind listening to me gripe about work or other things from time to time. I'm naturally reluctant to do that, because I think that it somehow brings those stressors into the relationship, and I'd rather just keep them outside. I'm learning to let her into that part of my world
I'm rambling. Mostly because I've had precious little sleep this weekend because of work. Sometimes work throws unplanned, unscheduled kinks into the routine. Thankfully, Therapist and Mini-Me understand that it happens sometimes, but it's just because of who I am.
So, what is love? It's hard to define, but it is Patient, it is Kind and not selfish, it's Thoughtful and not rude, and certainly not irritable.
Goodnight y'all. Pray for my friends in Yazoo, Holmes, Attala, and Choctaw counties. Many lives were affected by this weekend's tornadoes, and some were lost.
Love is not irritable. But people are. Being irritable is something I have a problem with from time to time. Different things push different buttons, and I'd like to think those buttons are few. Going back a few weeks to love being patient, being not irritable is a natural extension of the patience idea. It's taking a deep breath when the buttons are pushed, instead of ventilating the energy.
Stress, through work, home life, social forces, or any other influence can make one irritable. Poor general health can do it too. So, if we can identify the causes, can't we also identify ways to reduce their effects? Just asking...
There's a little two-letter word in our language that allows us to mitigate our stressors. That word is "NO". Not an ugly "no", but a simple "no" to the many things that pull us like Stretch Armstrong. Delegate tasks, decline new projects that cause others to be left unfinished, take time away from work, do whatever it takes. But most importantly, take time away from those things WITH that person you love. But make sure they're saying "no" to those same things too. It just doesn't work with one person doing it. One thing I'm learning with Therapist is that we will address our stressors together. I'm also learning to understand that she doesn't mind listening to me gripe about work or other things from time to time. I'm naturally reluctant to do that, because I think that it somehow brings those stressors into the relationship, and I'd rather just keep them outside. I'm learning to let her into that part of my world
I'm rambling. Mostly because I've had precious little sleep this weekend because of work. Sometimes work throws unplanned, unscheduled kinks into the routine. Thankfully, Therapist and Mini-Me understand that it happens sometimes, but it's just because of who I am.
So, what is love? It's hard to define, but it is Patient, it is Kind and not selfish, it's Thoughtful and not rude, and certainly not irritable.
Goodnight y'all. Pray for my friends in Yazoo, Holmes, Attala, and Choctaw counties. Many lives were affected by this weekend's tornadoes, and some were lost.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Week 5 - Love is not Rude
He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. ~ Proverbs 27:14
This week's reading was about rudeness and how it can affect a relationship. Naturally, we're all aware of overt rudeness, but oftentimes we fail to see or own little rude activities. Maybe they manifest themselves in a lack of table manners, or in a lack of proper etiquette with our loved one. We're always polite to friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Some friends - those closest to us - generally accept our occasional lack of manners as just another part of our personality. But when it comes to the one we love the most, those little things can add up over time, and become a burr under the saddle. Often times we're not even aware of what we do (or don't do), and our own blindness just multiplies the problem. I'll quickly tell you this is where I have problems in a relationship. I just want to be ultimately comfortable with the person I love. In reaching that comfort, I know I forget little manners.
So how do I find the balance of what Therapist sees as "just me" and what may be considered "rude"? I don't think it's my balance to find. It's hers. Thankfully, she's told me she accepts me just as I am, warts and all. But I don't like some of my own warts, and want to make them better.
This is were The Love Dare begins to get difficult, because not only does it require an introspective thought process, but it also demands that I get feedback from Therapist. And some of that feedback may be negative, or uncomfortable for me to hear.
So be it. We've committed ourselves to living and walking in a new type of relationship, one where communications and understanding are not assumed, but are actually practiced. It sounds like I need to schedule some "porch-time" with her this week.
What is love? It's patient, kind, unselfish, thoughtful, and NOT RUDE! And it sure is a lot of fun!
This week's reading was about rudeness and how it can affect a relationship. Naturally, we're all aware of overt rudeness, but oftentimes we fail to see or own little rude activities. Maybe they manifest themselves in a lack of table manners, or in a lack of proper etiquette with our loved one. We're always polite to friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Some friends - those closest to us - generally accept our occasional lack of manners as just another part of our personality. But when it comes to the one we love the most, those little things can add up over time, and become a burr under the saddle. Often times we're not even aware of what we do (or don't do), and our own blindness just multiplies the problem. I'll quickly tell you this is where I have problems in a relationship. I just want to be ultimately comfortable with the person I love. In reaching that comfort, I know I forget little manners.
So how do I find the balance of what Therapist sees as "just me" and what may be considered "rude"? I don't think it's my balance to find. It's hers. Thankfully, she's told me she accepts me just as I am, warts and all. But I don't like some of my own warts, and want to make them better.
This is were The Love Dare begins to get difficult, because not only does it require an introspective thought process, but it also demands that I get feedback from Therapist. And some of that feedback may be negative, or uncomfortable for me to hear.
So be it. We've committed ourselves to living and walking in a new type of relationship, one where communications and understanding are not assumed, but are actually practiced. It sounds like I need to schedule some "porch-time" with her this week.
What is love? It's patient, kind, unselfish, thoughtful, and NOT RUDE! And it sure is a lot of fun!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Week 4 - Love is Thoughtful
How precious also are your thoughts to me...How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. ~ Psalm 139:17-18
When I read the title for this week's portion of The Love Dare, my first thought was "this will be about random acts of kindness," but I was wrong. While we do like to be thought of by our mates, and have little, unexpected things done for us, this week's lesson was more about HOW we think.
We men are very linear thinkers. We focus on one subject at a time and excel at it. While this might have been quite useful in our ancient hunter-killer days, and is still useful occasionally when we find ourselves under pressure, it can work against us. Therapist and I like to say I have my "boxes" of thought; let me have one, maybe two boxes open at any given time, and I'm fine. But I reach a point when I've got to close some boxes before I open new boxes of thought.
Women, on the other hand, are masters of multi-tasking thought. They can cook, clean, talk on the phone, and keep up with the kids, all at once! Therapist has a graduate degree in this, with four kids to corral at home, to school, back and forth between sporting events, and now getting to factor me and Mini-Me into the picture on occasion. But that's one of the things I love about her, and love to just watch and admire as an art form of its own.
About "love being thoughtful" thought, it's more about us understanding that we're genetically wired to think differently. In a relationship, we've got to learn to understand that dynamic. There's another study series that describes men and women as having "blue" and "pink" hearing aids, megaphones, and glasses. How I communicate in a "blue/guy" way, Therapist may hear, process, and understand from a "pink/woman" perspective...and miss the message. Of course this works in reverse too. Maybe we need to learn how to both speak "purple" !
Seriously though, I'm blessed with Therapist. She's shown that understands this dynamic in communication (and mis-communication!), and we do take a lot of time to make sure we both speak and understand clearly.
Love is Patient, Kind, Unselfish, and Thoughtful! And it is a LOT of FUN!!!
When I read the title for this week's portion of The Love Dare, my first thought was "this will be about random acts of kindness," but I was wrong. While we do like to be thought of by our mates, and have little, unexpected things done for us, this week's lesson was more about HOW we think.
We men are very linear thinkers. We focus on one subject at a time and excel at it. While this might have been quite useful in our ancient hunter-killer days, and is still useful occasionally when we find ourselves under pressure, it can work against us. Therapist and I like to say I have my "boxes" of thought; let me have one, maybe two boxes open at any given time, and I'm fine. But I reach a point when I've got to close some boxes before I open new boxes of thought.
Women, on the other hand, are masters of multi-tasking thought. They can cook, clean, talk on the phone, and keep up with the kids, all at once! Therapist has a graduate degree in this, with four kids to corral at home, to school, back and forth between sporting events, and now getting to factor me and Mini-Me into the picture on occasion. But that's one of the things I love about her, and love to just watch and admire as an art form of its own.
About "love being thoughtful" thought, it's more about us understanding that we're genetically wired to think differently. In a relationship, we've got to learn to understand that dynamic. There's another study series that describes men and women as having "blue" and "pink" hearing aids, megaphones, and glasses. How I communicate in a "blue/guy" way, Therapist may hear, process, and understand from a "pink/woman" perspective...and miss the message. Of course this works in reverse too. Maybe we need to learn how to both speak "purple" !
Seriously though, I'm blessed with Therapist. She's shown that understands this dynamic in communication (and mis-communication!), and we do take a lot of time to make sure we both speak and understand clearly.
Love is Patient, Kind, Unselfish, and Thoughtful! And it is a LOT of FUN!!!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Week 3 - Love is not selfish
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. ~ Romans 12:10
We are naturally selfish. We want the best for ourselves...we are the most important people we know. When I teach firefighters and emergency medical folks, I give them three safety rules to live by:
(Note: I've written and deleted several lines right here.....not sure how to get my thoughts into the proper sequence of words...I hate it when I have a writer's block!)
All I can say is the relationship I'm in with Therapist hasn't allowed me time to be selfish. It's much easier to be unselfish when the other person is also unselfish in giving to the relationship. Some may not like those words, but I really can't think of another way to say it. We put the mechanics of the relationship ahead of our own individual wants and needs. I love the way we take "time out" just to assess where we are and how we're doing. We may not be able to sit down and adequately describe what we want or expect our relationship to be, we do know we always want to make it better.
This week's dare is to do something unselfish for her. There's already several opportunities I'm aware of, but I won't be sharing them with you....(giggling a little)...because it would be selfish for me to do that!
Go do something for your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend, something unselfish and unexpected! Have a good week, too!
We are naturally selfish. We want the best for ourselves...we are the most important people we know. When I teach firefighters and emergency medical folks, I give them three safety rules to live by:
1. At the end of the day, I'm going home. (translation: I'm the most important person on the scene.)Those rules are good for working an emergency scene, but they're probably not the rules for relationships. In love, we're challenged to put the needs of our husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend ahead of our own needs. Noble, yes. Difficult....YES! If we're naturally selfish beings, it is very challenging for us to put the needs and desires of another ahead of our own.
2. If you're on my team, I'm going to do my best to make sure you go home too. (translation: I'm going to look out for you, but Rule 1 applies first.)
3. I expect you to apply these rules to yourself.
(Note: I've written and deleted several lines right here.....not sure how to get my thoughts into the proper sequence of words...I hate it when I have a writer's block!)
All I can say is the relationship I'm in with Therapist hasn't allowed me time to be selfish. It's much easier to be unselfish when the other person is also unselfish in giving to the relationship. Some may not like those words, but I really can't think of another way to say it. We put the mechanics of the relationship ahead of our own individual wants and needs. I love the way we take "time out" just to assess where we are and how we're doing. We may not be able to sit down and adequately describe what we want or expect our relationship to be, we do know we always want to make it better.
This week's dare is to do something unselfish for her. There's already several opportunities I'm aware of, but I won't be sharing them with you....(giggling a little)...because it would be selfish for me to do that!
Go do something for your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend, something unselfish and unexpected! Have a good week, too!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Week 2 - Love is Kind
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32
Last week's theme was about the patience of love. This week is patience's cousin: kindness.
Patience holds your tongue when desires aren't met. Kindness jumps all over positive situations. Patience avoids, where kindness takes advantage. Patience is preventative, kindness is proactive.
Without reservation, Therapist is certainly an kind person. From knowing her parents, she gets it naturally. But I also think she's learned that working towards patience and kindness repays the effort in a relationship.
I'll admit through our time together, I've let myself slip some in actively showing kindness. But that's why I'm walking back through The Love Dare again, one week at a time... I want to give her those random acts of kindness, especially when they come as a surprise. But when you read the verse from Ephesians, you'll see that kindness isn't about "me" ... We're called to be kind because of the kindness that is shown and given to us by God.
Last week's theme was about the patience of love. This week is patience's cousin: kindness.
Patience holds your tongue when desires aren't met. Kindness jumps all over positive situations. Patience avoids, where kindness takes advantage. Patience is preventative, kindness is proactive.
Without reservation, Therapist is certainly an kind person. From knowing her parents, she gets it naturally. But I also think she's learned that working towards patience and kindness repays the effort in a relationship.
I'll admit through our time together, I've let myself slip some in actively showing kindness. But that's why I'm walking back through The Love Dare again, one week at a time... I want to give her those random acts of kindness, especially when they come as a surprise. But when you read the verse from Ephesians, you'll see that kindness isn't about "me" ... We're called to be kind because of the kindness that is shown and given to us by God.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Week 1 - Love is Patient
Note: This will be the first in a series of forty weekly notes about my current walk through The Love Dare. I know, it's designed as a 40-day study, but I'm going to tackle it as a 40-week one. I want to walk through it slowly, to absorb as much of the experience as I can. I debated whether to even blog this study. But in the end, I decided to, because I've found that writing my thoughts gives me a different perspective to focus on them again, and it gives me a historical perspective at some point in the future. There's some form of therapy in writing.
Week 1 - Love is Patient
This was actually last week (March 14th - 20th), but I'm just now getting to blogging about it.
I take some pride in being what I hope is a patient person. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too patient. By that, I wonder if patience isn't sometimes viewed as being disconnected. But enough about me. I don't want this series to be about me.
I want this series to be about me and Therapist.
Thankfully, I haven't had to practice too much patience with her. I'm not sure I can say the same for her though. I'm quite positive there's been more than a few occasions where she could have lost her patience with me. But she's chosen not to. And for that, I am thankful.
Patience is a choice. It's not natural for us, because we're wired for selfish self-preservation. Therapist makes the choice for patience very well, and for that I am thankful. I'm even more thankful for the fact that I've not had my patience tested by her. I'm not foolish enough to think that it will never happen, as patience is tested when a desire is met with disappointment. Everyone fails. My test of patience isn't so much with others, but it's with myself. I know people fail. I just have to learn to accept that sometimes my desires and expectations may not be met, therefore it's a test of patience with myself.
I'm thankful for Therapist's patience. If I can ask for "patience credit" from her, then I need to start making deposits into that account, because I'm sure the day will come I'll need to swipe that card.
Week 1 - Love is Patient
This was actually last week (March 14th - 20th), but I'm just now getting to blogging about it.
I take some pride in being what I hope is a patient person. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too patient. By that, I wonder if patience isn't sometimes viewed as being disconnected. But enough about me. I don't want this series to be about me.
I want this series to be about me and Therapist.
Thankfully, I haven't had to practice too much patience with her. I'm not sure I can say the same for her though. I'm quite positive there's been more than a few occasions where she could have lost her patience with me. But she's chosen not to. And for that, I am thankful.
Patience is a choice. It's not natural for us, because we're wired for selfish self-preservation. Therapist makes the choice for patience very well, and for that I am thankful. I'm even more thankful for the fact that I've not had my patience tested by her. I'm not foolish enough to think that it will never happen, as patience is tested when a desire is met with disappointment. Everyone fails. My test of patience isn't so much with others, but it's with myself. I know people fail. I just have to learn to accept that sometimes my desires and expectations may not be met, therefore it's a test of patience with myself.
I'm thankful for Therapist's patience. If I can ask for "patience credit" from her, then I need to start making deposits into that account, because I'm sure the day will come I'll need to swipe that card.
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