Chemical Limbo

Whoo boy. I overslept this morning, and was really late taking my daily dose of modern pharmaceutical chemical engineering. That was a BAD ride that I don't want to take again anytime soon. A good friend of mine who's a nurse at UMMC-ER had warned me about a crash if I ever stopped taking them. This wasn't a crash, but I did bump up against the wall.

I'm in limbo right now. It's interesting that our use of the word limbo stems from the Roman Catholic theological sense of Limbo as a place where souls remain that cannot enter heaven (for example, unbaptized infants). Limbo in Catholic theology is located on the border of Hell, which explains the name. The name limbo comes from the Latin limbus, which means an ornamental border to a fringe, or a band or girdle, and was chosen by early Christians in the Middle Ages to denote this border between Heaven and Hell.

On one side of this border exists my longing to be wanted, to be appreciated, to share the simple joy of being alive with someone else who understands that life and death can be dark places if we let them. But we're strong enough creatures to also mark our own path of contentment. That can be our choice, but we must want it.

On the other side of the border, exists a truly dark world of being alone, unfulfilled, and longing for more. I've flirted with that world for 12 weeks now, and it is absolutely not where I want to spend my life. I starve for companionship, friendship, laughter, joi de vivre, to be someone's Falstaff. Sentiment exaltant ressenti par toute la conscience - exciting feeling felt by all the conscience is what I long for - not dull, trudging strife to force a feeling.

I stand on this border, supported by one little white pill each day. If I forget, like today, I slip a little to the dark side. But every other day, I even wonder if the compressed powder in that little white dot in my hand each morning masks the truth of my world, which may really be darker than I want to admit.

I hate being where I am. Chemistry has never been something I've wanted to depend on, especially those medications that keep my head clear. I just thought I'd been in really bad situations before, where I was circling the drain emotionally and mentally. But this is different, the drain is gone, somebody knocked the bottom out of the sink instead, and I'm just hanging on.

I just need an answer, a finality, so I can know what step to take next; to know which side of the border to come down on.