An outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus at the North Pole has left scores of elves dead, bringing toy production to a virtual halt in a development that will likely spell the ruin of Christmas for millions of boys and girls around the world.
Confirmation of the deadly hemorrhagic pathogen's responsibility for the sudden, gruesome death of an estimated 1,200 elves was made this morning after Ebola was detected in samples of blood and viscera collected from the walls and ceilings of the small snow-topped cottages in which their bodies exploded.
An evidently highly virulent and contagious strain, Rudolph Schmidt of the Global Health Association emphasized that children who don't receive any gifts on Christmas morning due to the aftereffects of the outbreak should be grateful to have gotten nothing rather than being exposed to a terminal sickness as horrifying.
"Beginning with flu-like symptoms of high fever, muscle aches and weakness, the afflicted elves develop an extremely painful maculopapular rash before succumbing to violent bouts of diarrhea and projectile vomiting of blood and necrotized tissue that preceded their agonizing deaths - usually as a result of massive organ failure or spontaneous combustion," Schmidt said.
"The sheer hell these poor little people went through cannot be imaginable," Schmidt added, "And at the risk of editorializing, I'd say that anybody who thinks not getting the Nintendo Wii game or Hannah Montana whatever they wanted from Santa while he's busy burning the bodies of his dead should be very, very ashamed of themselves."
Meanwhile, speculations made by many insiders that the Ebola outbreak will spell the worst haul of presents for all but the wealthiest children around the world since Mrs. Claus's memorable decade-long struggle with post-menopausal psychosis during the 1930s were all but confirmed this morning when Santa euphemistically referenced a "trickle down" effect of gift giving during a brief press conference outside the quarantine zone that has become his village.
"Though it makes me most unjolly to have to allocate all of my remaining elfpower to work on making toys for rich kids whose higher expectations make them much more vulnerable to disappointment on Christmas morning, less well-off children shouldn't despair, but rather make an effort to make friends with kids whose parents aren't so poor so they can play with their neater toys at least from time to time," he said.
Confirmation of the deadly hemorrhagic pathogen's responsibility for the sudden, gruesome death of an estimated 1,200 elves was made this morning after Ebola was detected in samples of blood and viscera collected from the walls and ceilings of the small snow-topped cottages in which their bodies exploded.
An evidently highly virulent and contagious strain, Rudolph Schmidt of the Global Health Association emphasized that children who don't receive any gifts on Christmas morning due to the aftereffects of the outbreak should be grateful to have gotten nothing rather than being exposed to a terminal sickness as horrifying.
"Beginning with flu-like symptoms of high fever, muscle aches and weakness, the afflicted elves develop an extremely painful maculopapular rash before succumbing to violent bouts of diarrhea and projectile vomiting of blood and necrotized tissue that preceded their agonizing deaths - usually as a result of massive organ failure or spontaneous combustion," Schmidt said.
"The sheer hell these poor little people went through cannot be imaginable," Schmidt added, "And at the risk of editorializing, I'd say that anybody who thinks not getting the Nintendo Wii game or Hannah Montana whatever they wanted from Santa while he's busy burning the bodies of his dead should be very, very ashamed of themselves."
Meanwhile, speculations made by many insiders that the Ebola outbreak will spell the worst haul of presents for all but the wealthiest children around the world since Mrs. Claus's memorable decade-long struggle with post-menopausal psychosis during the 1930s were all but confirmed this morning when Santa euphemistically referenced a "trickle down" effect of gift giving during a brief press conference outside the quarantine zone that has become his village.
"Though it makes me most unjolly to have to allocate all of my remaining elfpower to work on making toys for rich kids whose higher expectations make them much more vulnerable to disappointment on Christmas morning, less well-off children shouldn't despair, but rather make an effort to make friends with kids whose parents aren't so poor so they can play with their neater toys at least from time to time," he said.
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