Note: I missed last week, for any number of reasons. For those who are interested (and you know who you are), Therapist and I have had a couple of bad weeks. We simply got off-track. Through a cascading series of follies, we mis-interpreted several things each other had said. What was said, and what was heard were two different things, and that is where we messed up. Things are back on track now, and we're plugging right along like we never missed a beat. When I picked up the Love Dare book tonight to read last week and this week, I was astounded. Read on....
Week 12 - Love Lets the Other Win
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others ~ Phillipians 2:4
Being hard-headed (yeah, I admit it!) is sometimes a good thing. It's helpful to know in advance how you want things to be, how you want them to work out, what your vision is. Being hard-headed and sticking to a plan helps you achieve goals. But there are plenty of times when being hard-headed is just plain bad and unhealthy. Like in a relationship. It's our nature to be somewhat selfish, to want to protect our ideas, our dreams and desires. But when we dig our heels in, and when our partner digs their heels in, we set in motion a dynamic that ultimately ruins relationships. But what is more important? Our point of view? Or the relationship itself? Does giving in during a fight make you look foolish for losing the argument? Or have we already lost the argument by making it more important than the health of our relationship? I love this quote from the book: "You're not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary." Our differences are for listening to and learning from. Cool stuff!
Week 13 - Love Fights Fair
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. ~ Mark 3:25
Wouldn't you know that right after being taught how to concede your position sometimes, we're given the "rules of engagement" on how to fight fair in a relationship? I love this book for a reason, and this is it (and others like it too!). One thing Therapist and I talked about this weekend was how we need to permanently understand and accept that from time to time things will come up in our relationship where we'll have opposing opinions. To me, it's more important to know how we'll resolve those times, more so than what specific thing we're differing on. Basically, let's decide how we'll approach and solve problems. Then tonight, when I read this week's lesson about "Love Fights Fair", lo and behold the rules are printed right there on the pages! In the midst of conflict lies the greatest potential to inflict lasting damage on a relationship. Our pride is at it's strongest. Our anger is at it's hottest, and that's when we're the most selfish, most judgemental, and most venomous with our words. As mentioned in the earlier paragraph - what is more important? The argument and who wins or loses, or the relationship itself? So how do we get there? We set those "rules of engagement." They are divided into "we boundaries" and "me boundaries".
The "we boundaries" include 1) We will never mention divorce. 2) We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. 3) We will never fight in public or in front of children. 4) We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level. 5) We will never touch each other in a harmful way. 6) We will never go to bed angry with one another. 7) Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work it out.
The "me boundaries" are 1) I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, and slow to speak and slow to anger." ~ James 1:19. 2) I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" ~ Matthew 7:3. 3) I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." ~ Proverbs 15:1
Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for!
What is love? I may not be able to define it, but love is patient, it is kind, it is not selfish, it is thoughtful, not rude or irritable, it believes the best, and is not jealous, it makes good impressions and it is unconditional, and it cherishes, it lets the other win, and it always fights fair. But above all, it is fun to love and to BE LOVED!!
No comments:
Post a Comment