When I started this blog, it was an outlet for me to put my thoughts before me on the screen. It served as a cathartic outlet (the word catharsis comes from the Greek for cleansing or purging). I was going through a separation and later divorce, and this blog gave me a way to capture my thoughts and emotions in a way that I could actually see the words and analyze them. There were times that I was called to account for my words; I stood by them and I still do.
Since the divorce was complete, I've tried to keep the sense and utility of catharsis in this blog, but my conditions in life have changed to a point that the regular "outlet" isn't needed as often. You've seen my ongoing Project 365 and my weekly Love Dare writings. They fill the space, and I thank you for your readership. But I've found myself increasingly reluctant to open up in this forum. I don't know why.
So where do I stand now?
I'm fat and happy. Mini-Me enjoy great weekends. I'm looking forward to his approaching football season. It's fun watching him mature into a fine young man. He's mild-mannered and polite. He's all I could have asked for. There are plenty of times that I miss seeing him on a daily basis, but he always texts or calls me in the afternoons. Most of the time it's for no reason, just to say hello. His summer farming operation keeps him busy, and I'm thankful that he's learning some basic economics and work ethic at his young age. I've got him reading one of Dave Ramsey's financial management books. Heavy stuff for a teenager, but he's sharp and will do well. I'm looking forward to continue to watch him grow. He amazes me with his calm demeanor, and with how analytical he his. It's fun to watch him tackle new problems, and to see the unique solutions he can come up with. I'm trying to lay out a plan with my own finances that will benefit him in the next few years. I just hope that I can meet those goals.
When Mini-Me doesn't have my attention, it is focused on a wonderful woman you know through my writings as Therapist. Our relationship continues to grow and deepen each week. We find it difficult to spend any extended length of time apart. Some who read this will scoff at this entry, but they do not know how deep our relationship is. I cannot come up with the words to describe the friendship we have. We've both been down difficult roads, and we've learned from our mistakes. I've said it before here, but I'll say it again: We're keenly aware of those mistakes, and of how relationships have failed in the past. We're quick to recognize the patterns and we work to get out of those patterns as soon as we see them in our relationship.
We are talking about making it permanent. We know there will be a black-lash against this from several different groups of people. We have anticipated that and will respond as we need to. But in the meantime, we're looking at how we'll make it work. We have different points of view on parenting, on finances, and on a few other things that are critical. But we're not so hard-headed that we'll dig in on our respective positions. We're learning the art of "give and take", of wanting to understand and respect each others' views, and to find middle ground. I'm the more reluctant one, not wanting to risk repeating history and seeing another relationship fall apart; she's ready.
Therapist is more than I deserve, though. She is a good woman who is far more wise than her years. My reluctance stems from the thought that I'm not sure if I can provide enough for her. She assures me that nothing could be further from the truth. I want to take care of her; I want her to be happy. But I'm scared that I'll let her down. She tells me my fears are unfounded, and she's probably right.
So what's going on? We're just rolling along doing the best we can as single parents trying to provide for our kids and plan for our future. It's going to be fun!
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